All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
