im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
