He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
