Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
