It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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