Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
