your parents love me but you hate me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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