They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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