pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
