; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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