I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
