you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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