Only a mothe r could love this liver
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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