Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
