I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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