Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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