I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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