Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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