he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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