Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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