how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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