I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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