Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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