my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
