I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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