I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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