id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
