On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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