i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
