dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
