Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
