I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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