i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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