You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
