I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am naked and annoyed.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
