not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
