The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
