so explain again why im purple
no
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
