woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
