Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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