you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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