i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
