Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
