hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
