not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
