i think my tv is drunk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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