why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
