i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
