I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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