Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
