I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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