did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
