i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
