What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
